U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
