I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
