You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
there is glitter all over my balls
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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