Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
