i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
