I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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