Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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