the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
