I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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