Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Randomize
