nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
