my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
