I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
