I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
