I'd wear matching sweaters with you
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i will never coherently bang her
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
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