so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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