Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
