i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
