The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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