final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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