Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
