I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
