so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
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