Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
