It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
