I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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