i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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