The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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