god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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