I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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