I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
