I accidentally had phone sex last night
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
