Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
