First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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