I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
