you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
