my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
It's just like the Real World with babies
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
