Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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