finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
