seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
