the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
