I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
