I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
