well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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