he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
