P.S. I can't hear my feet
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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