suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
