the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
