No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
