When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
