My Higher Power is John Stamos
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
