so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
